Friday, February 1, 2013

Super Secret Baby Manual

I recently found a few pieces of paper in Brayden's crib (discreetly tucked next to his mattress). Turns out it's a super-secret-manual for babies everywhere. Given his recent behavior, I'd say the Baby Council would be very proud of my little guy for fulfilling his newbie duties with such dedication and flair. I've pulled out the sections that Brayden has been working especially hard on lately. Enjoy.

Section I: Toys

A. There are good toys and there are bad toys. The best ones are the things that your parents play with. Be warned, though - they want to keep these toys to themselves! The more they try to keep something to themselves, the better toy it is. So keep trying to get them by any means possible.

B. Other good toys include things with cords, blinking lights or screens.

C. When your parents run towards you yelling "don't touch that!" you've hit the jackpot of all toys. Make it your personal goal to play with this toy as much as possible.

Playing with Daddy's video games, trying to open an electrical socket and
changing settings on the universal remote.

Section II: Sleep

A. Don't do it.

B. If you must, make sure to follow these rules:
  • Stay awake when your parents are begging you to sleep. And fall asleep when your parents show indications they want you to stay awake (ten-minute car rides, stroller rides and nursing, for example are great times to nod off).
  • Make your parents think you've taken a nap. Instead, do gymnastics and wind sprints in your crib. This way, they'll think you're rested but you're really just extra wired.
  • Keep changing the rules about when you like to fall asleep and for how long. It really keeps those adults on their toes.
We had to buy a video monitor to figure out that when Brayden
was in his crib for naps, he was doing everything except napping.
Like having conversations with the lamp attached to his crib.
Section III: Movement

A. Try your best to learn to crawl before your parents have a chance to set up any safety measures like gates.

B. Secretly practice in your crib so they have no idea how much you can move. Then, when the opportunity presents itself, you'll take them by surprise.

This boy's got wheels. Big monster truck wheels.
C. As soon as your parents are getting a glass of water or going to the bathroom, hide somewhere in the room to freak them out. Alternatively, move as quickly as you can to something you've wanted to do but haven't been allowed to do.

Heading right to the dogs' bowls. Not pictured: trying to dive down the stairs.

Section IV: General Behavior

A. When eating, make as big of a mess as you can. This is especially true for those times when Mommy forgets to put a bib on you or doesn't clasp it tight enough (and leaves a gap between your neck and the bib). 

Me. Want. More. Food.
B. Every so often, do something totally weird and unexpected. 

I can't possibly think of a caption as funny as the picture itself.

C. When you're not busy completing the above tasks, be as adorable as humanly possible. This ensures that you'll be able to continue your quest to take over the house world.


  1. Pretty awesome! Glad to see he is getting into trouble :)

  2. We got a video monitor for Charlotte after she was like 15 months old. I love it. Turns out she actually was sleeping that whole time. :) Now we just need a second camera to keep an eye on both girls!

    1. She was actually sleeping? Pssshhhhhh. Lucky. :)

  3. Replies
    1. Thanks so much! Not difficult to make it look nice when my little guy is so darn handsome. ;)