Monday, April 21, 2014

Dear Mom & Dad: I Win

Dear Mom and Dad,

So you finally took a stand, huh? You decided you'd had enough with my anti-bottle warfare and went all "let's play chicken" on your 10-week-old daughter. (Classy, by the way) I know that charlatan you call a "pediatrician" said this was a mandatory step... but I think she drinks. Regardless, you guys listened to her and started a showdown.

How did it feel to lose to a baby?

Personally, I enjoyed the little game. I enjoyed listening to your confidence at the beginning of the day and seeing it slowly but surely fade into maddening anguish. I enjoyed how Dad said he could "do this for hours" and then broke down like a middle school girl. I'll admit it took me off guard. I woke up (early, of course, just to keep you guys on your toes) and expected to snuggle up with mom for some nice relaxing breakfast. But you shoved that stupid plastic thing in my face again. What the heck guys??? I know you thought you had a chance - since I hadn't eaten since 2 a.m. - but have you any idea what it's like? To expect a nice, warm breakfast and to get a frozen meal equivalent? Ick.

I'm not impressed.

Normally, when I remind you of my controlled distribution center, I get my breastfeeding. But when Mom looked at me and just shook her head, I couldn't believe it! I was upset, sure. But not upset enough to allow these terrorist antics to be rewarded. Once I understood the game, I accepted the challenge with pleasure.

You must have thought that as the hours ticked by, my hunger would get the best of me and I'd finally succumb to drinking from that glorified bucket. No such luck 'rents. Perhaps you noticed that every so often at one of these attempted feedings, I'd eat a just a little bit - no more than half an ounce. That was tactical - to take the edge off my hunger. I ate just enough to continue this little game and continue driving you to the nuthouse (they're expecting you, by the way).

Let this be a lesson to you. Stop trying to give me bottles. In fact, stop trying to get me to do anything I don't want to do (I've been hearing some chatter in the hallways about getting me to sleep later... don't even try it). Have you not realized that I'm a determined and feisty little girl? Have you not realized that I have the stubbornness of my godmother (shoutout to Auntie Cole!). You took me to the doctor again today since I haven't pooped in 9 days. Even that doctor quack said I'm stubborn. At least she got something right.

Good game, though, guys. It made for an amusing weekend.


P.S. I knew you'd cave first, Mom. What a softy.


  1. LOLOLOL!!! Can't stop laughing at this...terrorist antics, charlatan you call a "pediatrician," edging off the hunger....freaking brilliant! However, it really sounds like this little lovebug is a challenge and a half! Keep me posted on the feeding and the pooping. I would say poor girl, but I feel just as badly for the poor parents, too! xo

    1. She's hilarious - totally sugar and spice. ♥ Can't wait for you to meet her. She has so much of Nan's stubbornness in her, she really should have been born a few weeks early. :)