Monday, April 14, 2014

How to survive having two kids...

At some point, you have Baby #1. At first it's a bit challenging getting used to caring for another human being, but after a while, you think you've got it down. You're so impressed with your amzing parenting skills that you decide to go ahead and add another tot to the mix. 

Pretty darn cute, right?

Baby #2 comes along and you're thrilled beyond words. After the first month or two though, you realize that there are certain logistical difficulties with taking care of two children at once. Especially when one of them is a toddler and still needs constant attention. So how do you survive two kids? Let's go through a few sticky situations, shall we?

1. Your infant needs to be soothed to sleep (read: walked and bounced without stopping for 15-20 minutes). Your toddler repeatedly tries bringing you books to read him right now, and screams if you even hint that you can't give him your undivided attention. Solutions?
  • Reason with your infant that you just need a few minutes to read to her brother and she should wait quietly while you do so (insert belly laugh here).
  • Immediately throw on your SuperMom cape, walk with your infant at warp speed and put that sucker to sleep in just 30 seconds -- leaving plenty of time before toddler meltdown time.
  • Have your toddler put the baby to sleep and go take a bath.

Changing diapers works, too.

2. Your infant needs to be soothed to sleep (hmm... this seems to happen a lot) while your toddler is eating lunch. Once he finishes eating, he simply cannot wait another moment to get out of his high chair and must be taken out. Your baby is almost asleep though, and putting her down will just reset the whole process. Solutions?
  • Levitate that little boy with your mind. Moms were given powers for a reason.
  • Toss the baby as high into the air as you can, grab your toddler out of his seat and put him down in time to get some great receiving yards added to your stats.
  • Play "Monkey" and have the kiddo climb out of his seat, across the kitchen table, onto the walls and over the couch himself.

Bonus points if done without couch cushions actually on the fixture.

3. Your husband has to work late and will miss the whole bedtime process. You usually play zone-defense and put the kids to sleep simultaneously. You're on your own tonight. Solution?
  • Jump into your cloning machine, double yourself and allow your twin to take one of the kids. (Alternatively, as long as you've got the machine warmed up, you may as well triple yourself, have the other two ladies take the kids and go up for that bath again).
  • Call up a friend and tell her you have chocolate and movies for the two of you. When she arrives, try not to laugh too much.
  • Have a few glasses of wine and let things work themselves out.

Hmm... I think there's a bit of confusion going on here.

4. Your toddler thinks it's funny to stand on the side of his sister's face. Solution?
  • Make sure he stands on both sides equally so she doesn't get lopsided.
  • Teach the little girl some kung-fu so she can go all air-kicking-Keanu-Reeves on him.
  • Hop on your circus ball, start juggling some chainsaws and create a diversion.

5. Both kids are screaming and crying. You have no idea why. Solution?
  • This is a trick question. There is no solution. Game over.

Reason this toddler is crying: he put stickers on his own face.

Disclaimers: My children are angels and never do any of the above mentioned. Furthermore, for anyone thinking of having two children, rest assured that it is always easy and joyful. The above is merely hypothetical.

Kisses for 'Sa-Sa'

2 comments:

  1. Lol --that last picture of Brayden is classic. I vote for all of the solutions that involve magic, acrobatic moves or ninja kicks. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. "call up a friend and tell her you have chocolate and movies for the two of you. When she arrives, try not to laugh too much."

    Don't forget to lock the door and swallow the key.

    ReplyDelete